vamps

So, you got yourself a Vampire. Now what?

This is a continuation of our Vampire Dating Guide Series. If you haven’t read last week’s article, Vampire Dating: The Pros and Cons, you might want to check it out, especially if you’re one of those girls who hasn’t yet made up her mind that dating a vampire is something you’d like to do.

But, what about those of you have already made the leap (either voluntarily or against your will) to vampire dating? Are there ways you can protect yourself and ensure that you retain as many rights as possible in your new relationship? Can you retain your rights without alienating your new boyfriend, thus causing him to either break-up with you, or drain you of all your blood before pitching your broken body into river? You betcha.

Helpful Hint #1- Avoid other supernatural creatures

Yeah, yeah. I know what you’re thinking. Things worked out well for Bella. Sure, Edward was a little jealous over Bella’s friendship with Jacob, but will all vampires be this understanding? Probably not. If you’ve read the Carpathian series by Christine Feehan, you will know that some breeds of vampires mate for life. Should someone encroach upon their territory and even place one paw on their woman, a Carpathian vampire will become so overcome with rage, there’s no telling what he might do. So, long story short, just stay away from other supernatural creatures. And, you might want to stay away from other guys altogether. Just to be safe.

Helpful Hint #2- Vampire Fashion: Dressing to Impress

Vampires aren’t like other people. Your boyfriend might think your generic jeans-with-hoodie combo is endearing (for a while), but you want to set yourself apart from the two-hundred other girls in your school who look exactly the same. (We don’t want him to get confused, do we?) Does this mean you need to rock a gothic, black lipstick, black hair, black everything combo? No. I mean, have you seen Alice Cullen? She’s a total fashionista. Dressing to impress your vampire means recognizing that your boyfriend enjoys the finer things in life. Show him you enjoy the finer things too. Or, better yet, be one of the finer things in his life.


Helpful Hint #3- Avoid Conflict

In a vampire/human relationship, most conflict arises when the female tries to assert her independence. Vampires are used to getting their own way, so he’ll expect to get his way in terms of his relationship with you. Does this mean you can’t ever show your own mind? Of course not. Just don’t show it in front of him. Sometimes it’s okay to be stubborn: when it comes to defending someone you love (as long as it’s not another guy), when it comes to keeping up pretenses in front of human friends and family, or when it comes to saving your boyfriend from himself or from other supernatural creatures. Sure, your boyfriend will be upset at first. But, once everything works out, he’ll thank you profusely while telling you, “Don’t ever do that again.” If it doesn’t work out, well you’ll probably be dead, so it won’t matter. Just be careful, okay?

Helpful Hint #4- Introduce your boyfriend to family and friends as soon as practical

Your family and human friends are important to you, right? It’s important to introduce your boyfriend to your family and friends as soon as you can, otherwise he might not realize they’re ‘off-limits.’ Nothing kills budding romance faster than finding out your boyfriend literally had your dad for dinner. So how do you integrate your new boyfriend into your life BV (before-vamp)? This is tricky, and there’s no right answer for everyone, but there are a few tips to help ease your boyfriend’s transition into you inner circle:

1. Set ground rules early on. If your boyfriend is not a vegetarian, you’ll have to accept that some distant relatives and acquaintances are fair game. But, if you want to ensure the longevity of your close family and friends, it’s important to let your boyfriend know up front which family members and friends you’d like to keep around.
2. Don’t be defensive. “Dad this is Dimitri, and I know he’s really pale and he never comes out in the daytime, but he’s just like everyone else, okay?” This entire statement falls under the “Don’t” category. Don’t over-explain your boyfriend’s appearance or nocturnal habits. Don’t explain anything at all. If anyone asks, roll your eyes and shrug. Play it cool. Your parents don’t expect a straight answer, so don’t give them one.
3. Plan fun get-to-know-you activities everyone can enjoy. Places to go: mini-golf at night, movies at night, midnight bowling. (Notice a theme?) Places to avoid: all-you-can-eat buffets, an afternoon beach party, the local blood drive, tanning booths, the house of mirrors at the carnival.

Bella asked for immortality numerous times, but Edward always managed to deflect her shameless pleas. If your boyfriend is suddenly stricken by morality, and he’s decided to do ‘the right thing’ by preserving your mortality, what should you do? Again, all vamps are different, so what works for one may not work for another. But, never fear! I’ve provided a list of strategies which should yield favorable results.

1. Whine. Sometimes he’ll do what you want just to shut you up.
2. Beg. It’s worth a try, right?
3. Bargain. What’s the one thing a vampire wants more than anything? If he’s a vegetarian, tempt him with a trip to the zoo. If he’s a carnivore, tempt him with the horrible biology teacher you had in ninth grade. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
4. Play dirty. Remind him of all the other soul-destroying things he’s done over the years. Tell him that one more drop in the cosmic bucket of his sins won’t make much of a difference.
5. Appeal to his sense of aesthetics. Does he like wrinkles, sags, and puffy eyes? Well, that’s what he’ll have to look forward to if doesn’t grant you the gift of eternal life soon!