Saturday, June 27, 2015

How to Write a Book You'll Hate

Most authors worry about how their book will be received by others. What if people hate it? What if they leave a scathing review? Well, writing a book everyone will like is easy! Anyone can do it, right? Wrong!
If you want to write a book everyone will hate (including you), here’s how to do it:
  1. Don’t settle for one genre. Add a mixture of all of them! Try writing a romantic-mystery-thriller with horror elements and a feel-good ending. Or an erotic-Christian-epic fantasy book that appeals to readers of all ages.
  2. Be original. If you write about magic, people will accuse you of copying Harry Potter. Same with erotica. You don’t want anyone to compare your work to 50 Shades. Write something so unique, readers won’t have any idea what it is.
  3. Follow the latest trends. It’s silly and self-indulgent to write what you like. Your book is for the readers – not for you. Jump on the latest bandwagon and write the book you think everyone else will enjoy.
  4. Introduce a lot of characters. The key to hooking the reader is crafting characters with whom they can identify with and root for. But what kind of character will resonate with all readers? Since all readers are different, it’s impossible to craft a single character that will appeal to everyone. That’s okay! Writer several different types of characters (70 should do the trick) and introduce them all in the first chapter. Readers love that.
  5. Steer clear of controversial topics. Some readers are easily offended. Avoid upsetting your readers at all costs. Be sure to avoid sex, violence, politics, religion, guns, sappy romance, and scary monsters. If there’s any doubt at all – eliminate it!
  6. Sex sells. So does violence. Put a sex scene in every chapter to keep that reader turning the pages. Add a couple of shoot-outs and a murder too. The more gore, the better.
  7. Use a lot of big words. The more times the reader stops mid-sentence to consult a dictionary, the better. Also, readers will feel extra smart if they’re reading a book with a lot of big words. They can read excerpts aloud so their friends will think they’re extra smart too.
  8. Don’t edit. You don’t time for that! Readers don’t want to wait for your next book in the series. They’re impatient. They’re busy. So slap that book up on Amazon and write the next book, already.
  9. Strive for perfection. If your book isn’t perfect, everyone will hate it. One error will ruin the whole thing!!! Edit and edit again. And again. If one beta reader hates a tiny element in the book, you should probably rewrite the whole thing. Or start over again. You can never be too careful.
  10. Take advice from all the experts. Writing experts are everywhere. Read the articles. Follow all the rules, even the ones that seem contradictory.
It’s impossible to write a book everyone will like. Some readers only read books with lots of steamy sex, while other readers hate it. Some readers prefer fantasy while others only read political thrillers. You will never ever please everyone, so why try?
Write the book YOU like. Create the best book YOU can write and be proud of your work. Just write!
"Leave me alone. I'm being creative."
“Leave me alone. I’m being creative.”

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